Night and Day

I have a friend who couldn't be more different than me. I am married, she is single. I have 4 children, she has 1. I have "regular" parents and lots of siblings, she is the child of a famous children's author. I am home with my girls, PTOing and driving carpools, She is working, and going to school. She is very organic, and I am learning to be, thanks to her. I think each of us has parts of a life that the other one wants to experience.

Our friendship began a year ago. Before that, I had thought she was a little "off." But our girls went to preschool together, and desperately wanted playdates. Finally, we began to talk. And I was so ashamed to say that I had judged her.

As I have with all my friends, I told her the entirety of the path my life went down, and she could have judged me, too. Instead, she lifted me up, embraced me. She had so much to offer me, new ways to grow, express anger and sorrow, ways to heal. I have learned so much about myself, people, life, God. She opens herself and her home up to me whenever I need it, without question, and often with sacrifice of her own. And I know when she shows up at my home that she has a need from me. The girls all play, and we drink tea or lemonade, and help each other the way only honest friendship can.

But most of all, she has taught me not to judge. Judgement has no part in a friendship.

We do not see each other often, but thanks to the blessing of electronics are able to keep in touch and share often. Countless days I am grateful to her for her being, because without her I do not think that I would be where I am, my family would be where we are.

On-going Journey

Last spring I posted the below. This past weekend, every time I was in the car, I heard the band Journey on the radio. I think it was a sign for me to share this again. My journey is on-going, and so are the truths that I have learned.

Five Truths of a Journey

I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. Truths about myself that I never fully realized, but needed to.

1. I spent too much time focusing on new friends, and forgot about true friends. Thankfully, those true friends have stuck around to help me realize the error of my ways. And are continuing to stay by my side.

2. I am too trusting. I always assume that others have my best interests at heart. Afterall, that is where I have theirs.

3. I will no longer allow myself to be used for other's selfish gain, or selfish game. I was violently used and abused by people in order for them to get what they wanted, and then thrown very quickly under the bus, still used, regardless of how it left me in the end. No more being a doormat. It is time to stand up for myself.

4. No one is better than any one else in this world. It is easier to take someone else down than to lift yourself up. It is easier to follow lies than to listen to truth. Anyone who projects the air that he or she is better than someone else is recognizing the fact that there are truths in their life that they refuse to acknowledge.

5. Reminders of hurt follow a person everywhere. It all depends on how you let yourself live with them. I traveled 400 miles to bury and destroy parts of myself, only to turn around and come face to face with a reminder of what left me feeling so broken. I could drop to the ground and cry, or wipe my tears and put on a happy face. I chose the latter.

Unfortunately, realizing some of these truths mean I am changing the person that I am, the person that I used to be. But, maybe that is for the better. Even people who can be very bad to you can help you to be a better person in the end, and send your life in the right direction.

Namaste.

Sing a Song

I wouldn't say I was sheltered while growing up, but my parents did a good job of drawing the line and showing us what not to cross. All my adult life I have taken a lot of ribbing for the fact that I wasn't allowed to listen to the radio when I was younger. It never really bothered me, just added to my "interesting-ness" as a person. Only once did I let what a person said bother me, and that was very much to my detriment.

Every few weeks I hear a song that I simply cannot let go of. Most are faith-based (which is what I get teased about most often). For a few months this summer I was all about Rob Thomas, after going to one wonderful and very magical concert with my husband. Most of the songs I glom onto are about healing or forgiveness, some about love and how it grows and changes both for you and in you.

Last week I heard a song that couldn't be more fitting for life this past year (or three or four, to be honest). I'm not very savvy with internet posting, so I hope the link works for you, should you try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmWc4BZ8e-U

"Dancing in the Minefields," Andrew Peterson
I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway

We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin

'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear

'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you

So let's go dancing in the minefields,
Let's go sailing in the storms,
Let's go dancing in the minefields,
And kicking down the doors.

Let's go dancing in the minefields,
And sailing in the storms,
This is harder than we dreamed,
But I believe it's what the promise is for.


We are still ready for battle. Are you?

Parking Lot

I pulled into the parking lot of the "major" shopping center in town yesterday to get a few things taken care of. Upon pulling into the lot, I did my cursory sweep looking for cars, saw "it," promptly drove back out of the lot, and drove home.

When I got home, I got mad at myself. I had let them win... again. Countless times I have gone somewhere in this little town, only to change my plans when realizing that I could see someone, not wanting to see someone. I am so freaking tired of changing my plans to accommodate other people, worrying how they would react, how it would effect their day, and what the fallout would be for me.

What about me?

I'm not leaving the parking lot again.

Addendum

A few months ago I "closed" my blog and took down all my posts. But lately I've been wondering why. Why did I give in to bullying?

Because a method I chose for working through pain and working towards healing was making things a little uncomfortable for others (pondering the validity to their truths?). In all my standing up for myself, I forgot to stand up for myself. The lofty glances I was getting from not-so-lofty people got the better of me, and I backed down and packed up.

And in doing so I did myself a disservice. Because I lost my voice.

My voice is back, and it is here to stay. And if you don't like it..... well, your computer didn't find this all on its own.

The End

It has recently come to my attention just how much traffic my little corner of the blog world was getting. Took me by surprise, I must say. Online discussion to a recent commentator has made my decision to continue or not continue blogging just that much easier.

I'm sure that in just a few short weeks, though I will have many blog-worthy stories to tell, I will just not have the time or energy to write my stories. That also made my decision just a bit easier.

I have learned so much about people in recent months, even weeks. About life. A reader recently asked if my husband knew how much I was still hurting and healing. And the answer to that is, "Yes." He is journeying right along side me, feeling the hurts and healing from them. What is said and done about me is also done to him, unfortunately behind his back.

I wish you the wonderful blessing of having someone to love you this much, work this hard, and look this far forward.

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you, Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you, Forever in me
Ever the same

-Rob Thomas, Ever the Same

So thank you for reading, and following my healing journey from hurting, used, abused, confused wife, mom and friend to just wife, mom and friend. Someday I suppose that daily life and stories, quips, et al will find me posting my motherhood journey again. Maybe you'll find me again, maybe you won't, but thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Namaste.

The Bad Day

Friday before last, I had a really bad day.

Any where I went in my little New England town, I came across the same vehicle. Not once in my errand running of 2 hours, but four times. What are the chances? At a stoplight. Twice. Pulling out and driving behind. Across the intersection from.

I know the vehicle well. A silver minivan with a license plate bracket declaring the driver to be a Philadelphia Eagles fan. Yes, I am very familiar with the van. I thought I was familiar with the driver, once upon a time, but unfortunately, it was only the facade I was given that I was familiar with, not the real person.

I made my way home feeling desperately crushed. Anywhere I went that day it seemed I could not escape the past.

Then I remembered that I had to bake a pumpkin bread for my children's school that evening. I am on the PTO Baking Committee, too. And I didn't have all that I needed for the bread. Damn. I would have to go out again. And risk seeing the van. Again.

I thought about not baking, but I felt my responsibility sitting on my shoulder, reminding me, prodding me. So I heaved myself off the couch, and went off to the store.

I bought only what I needed for the bread. Plus a big box of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies, which I planned to consume most of while the bread baked in an effort to soothe my sorrows.

As I was walking out of the store, and elderly gentleman stopped me.

"Have we met?" he asked. We had not, but not only was he elderly, he was a World War II vet. I have a soft spot for veterans, a thank you to my grandfather. I was only just beginning a true friendship with my grandfather when he passed away when I was 19. Talking with veterans reminds me of him, connects me to him. A connection I could use a hug from every now and then.

The gentleman then asked me if he could just "enjoy my beauty" for a moment, and he gave me a squeeze on my hand. We parted ways and started walking away, and then he said something that stopped me in my tracks.

As he was walking away he said to me that I am a good Christian woman. That people could talk what they want to about me, think what they want to, do what they want to, but they could never take Jesus Christ away from me. That if I keep with Him, we will have everything we need, and those people will be taken care of, too.

That made me tear up. I thanked him, told him I needed to hear that, and told him that I hoped God blessed his day. He said He already had.

As I drove home, of course I cried. What 6.5 month pregnant woman wouldn't? I thought that day of a lot of people.

The friend who used to pray with me for my best friend, over both their cancers, who now blamed me for a church's demise. Had I acted alone?

The friend who once hugged me, expressing her gratitude that my first missions trip was on the very same team as her daughter's first missions trip, who now exiled me publicly on a social networking website.

The friends who once celebrated holidays and birthdays in my home who now walk blindly past me when we meet in public.

The friend who promised me wonderful things, and then covered up those promises with lies.

The minister who let us turn to her in confidence, only to turn away from one and then the other, and what she was told as an avenue for gossip, in a manner most unbecoming.

The six-year-old Sunday School classmate who had told my seven-year-old at a birthday party that her mommy said she wasn't supposed to talk to my children.

The friend who once played a role as work supervisor, who attended not only wedding showers but a wedding, baby showers and visited in the hospital after each birth of a child; attending birthday parties and celebrations, ballet performances and plays, who now shuns with disapproval and judgement.

The friend who felt it right to broadcast her unhappiness with me on the same social networking site by calling me names.

The friends who took part in those conversations, never standing up for me or championing me the way I had hoped even just one of them would.

The friends who do stand by me, beside me, holding my hand and my head high when I can't, or won't, or forget how. My husband.

I've seen the van again since, but, suddenly, it doesn't seem to make my day so bad anymore. And I did eat a lot of cookies that day. Not because I was wallowing, but because they were damn good!