Friday before last, I had a really bad day.
Any where I went in my little New England town, I came across the same vehicle. Not once in my errand running of 2 hours, but four times. What are the chances? At a stoplight. Twice. Pulling out and driving behind. Across the intersection from.
I know the vehicle well. A silver minivan with a license plate bracket declaring the driver to be a Philadelphia Eagles fan. Yes, I am very familiar with the van. I thought I was familiar with the driver, once upon a time, but unfortunately, it was only the facade I was given that I was familiar with, not the real person.
I made my way home feeling desperately crushed. Anywhere I went that day it seemed I could not escape the past.
Then I remembered that I had to bake a pumpkin bread for my children's school that evening. I am on the PTO Baking Committee, too. And I didn't have all that I needed for the bread. Damn. I would have to go out again. And risk seeing the van. Again.
I thought about not baking, but I felt my responsibility sitting on my shoulder, reminding me, prodding me. So I heaved myself off the couch, and went off to the store.
I bought only what I needed for the bread. Plus a big box of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies, which I planned to consume most of while the bread baked in an effort to soothe my sorrows.
As I was walking out of the store, and elderly gentleman stopped me.
"Have we met?" he asked. We had not, but not only was he elderly, he was a World War II vet. I have a soft spot for veterans, a thank you to my grandfather. I was only just beginning a true friendship with my grandfather when he passed away when I was 19. Talking with veterans reminds me of him, connects me to him. A connection I could use a hug from every now and then.
The gentleman then asked me if he could just "enjoy my beauty" for a moment, and he gave me a squeeze on my hand. We parted ways and started walking away, and then he said something that stopped me in my tracks.
As he was walking away he said to me that I am a good Christian woman. That people could talk what they want to about me, think what they want to, do what they want to, but they could never take Jesus Christ away from me. That if I keep with Him, we will have everything we need, and those people will be taken care of, too.
That made me tear up. I thanked him, told him I needed to hear that, and told him that I hoped God blessed his day. He said He already had.
As I drove home, of course I cried. What 6.5 month pregnant woman wouldn't? I thought that day of a lot of people.
The friend who used to pray with me for my best friend, over both their cancers, who now blamed me for a church's demise. Had I acted alone?
The friend who once hugged me, expressing her gratitude that my first missions trip was on the very same team as her daughter's first missions trip, who now exiled me publicly on a social networking website.
The friends who once celebrated holidays and birthdays in my home who now walk blindly past me when we meet in public.
The friend who promised me wonderful things, and then covered up those promises with lies.
The minister who let us turn to her in confidence, only to turn away from one and then the other, and what she was told as an avenue for gossip, in a manner most unbecoming.
The six-year-old Sunday School classmate who had told my seven-year-old at a birthday party that her mommy said she wasn't supposed to talk to my children.
The friend who once played a role as work supervisor, who attended not only wedding showers but a wedding, baby showers and visited in the hospital after each birth of a child; attending birthday parties and celebrations, ballet performances and plays, who now shuns with disapproval and judgement.
The friend who felt it right to broadcast her unhappiness with me on the same social networking site by calling me names.
The friends who took part in those conversations, never standing up for me or championing me the way I had hoped even just one of them would.
The friends who do stand by me, beside me, holding my hand and my head high when I can't, or won't, or forget how. My husband.
I've seen the van again since, but, suddenly, it doesn't seem to make my day so bad anymore. And I did eat a lot of cookies that day. Not because I was wallowing, but because they were damn good!
8 comments:
You are loved.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAHzrtckTCE&p=A39C7D895C0D06FD&playnext=1&index=20
Savage Garden, Crash and Burn.
Heard this in a store this morning... interesting timing...
My friend, I am so sorry for such "friends." I too have had my fair share, and I don't wish that on anyone. I am so glad you have such a strong and loving support system. And what a blessing that old man was! And I repeat SnowCat's sentiments. "You are loved."
Amy: I'm really tired of hearing about your blog. I'm really tired of people telling me that something else has been written about my mother, more importantly. And frankly, after reading your blog, the fact that you are publicly publishing this is disgusting. You need to take some responsibility for yourself! Does your HUSBAND know that you are blogging in a public forum how broken up you still are because your affair with a married man didn't work out? You sound like a 14 year old girl, aren't in your thirties? You want people to stop talking about you? Why are you continuing to give them a reason to such? How long was this? Over a year ago (and please correct me if I'm wrong about that) Any way, let me get a little more to my point. You make it quite clear that who you're talking about in your blog entries whether it's my mom or others. "The friend who once hugged me, expressing her gratitude that my first missions trip was on the very same team as her daughter's first missions trip, who now exiled me publicly on a social networking website", in case you are not aware blogspot is a social networking site, slightly hypocritical how you mentions people publicly exiling you huh? If I remember correctly (and again correct me if I'm wrong) the reason that you and my mother do not get along, besides that your unhinged, is that she asked you to leave my sister alone. To stop talking to her because talking to a 16 year old about your affair is completely inappropriate (which it is and thankfully I have enough faith in her to learn from your actions not mimic them) and you continued to try to have a relationship with her anyway? So put yourself in her shoes. You can't tell me that if you asked someone to stop talking to your child and they did it wouldn't warrant a retaliation? Now to the new problem. This post. You want to talk about be a good christian? You who blame everyone else for your affair not working out? IT WAS AN AFFAIR! Thou shalt not commit adultery. I'm sure since you claim to be such a good christian you've read the 10 commandments (my favorite obviously being honor thy mother and thy father). How could you write about how your affair is still impacting you life, especially being 6 months pregnant!? What gives you the right the talk about being a good christian when you are doing nothing but blaming your demise on everyone but yourself? You really want people to feel bad for you because YOU lost all your friends? Amy, if you didn't have that affair I believe you would still be a crazy bitch, however your would probably have a lot more friends. Why would someone want to be friends with someone (friendship involves trust, do you know what trust means?) who broke the most sacred vow of their life? Especially someone who have every intention to be a home wrecker, and when it didn't work out, blame everyone!! As far as I'm concerned, and I'm sure more people feel this way, everything worked out the way it was supposed to. You want someone to be mad at? Someone to talk shit about? Come to ME. You need to LEAVE MY MOTHER ALONE. You need help. You want to throw yourself a pity party? Open your eyes. YOU ARE PATHETIC. This ends between you and her here, and frankly the others listed in the blog (I'd rather not name them but I'm well aware of who a few of them are) are to be left alone. Come after Amy. Now you have a real reason to be mad at someone, people always seem to get the most worked up when someone calls out their bullshit. :-) -Cate
I ment "come after me, Amy"
Cate,
I am sorry that your comments did not appear as originally posted. Apparently, the spam filter was tripped by terminology in your post, and Blogger deleted them. I have taken steps to rectify that.
This blog is an anonymous venue that I have chosen to post thoughts, concerns, hurts and other things out into the Universe as I make my way through healing from events of the past several years stemming from poor judgement, bad decisions, and obvious mistakes.
If you do not appreciate what is written, then you have the option not to read the blog.
I don't appreciate what is written about my mother, frankly I was just annoyed with everything else, it was like listening to whiniest account of a car wreck I've ever heard, but the mother stuff is unacceptable.I do however appreciate the passive aggressiveness of your response, it makes me look as angry as I feel. That and like you have no real response to anything I had to say. So here's the deal. Leave my mother off your blog and I have no reason to read it or care. You can write about me for all I care, I tried to make you mad. I put in the the effort so, if you need to redirect your self loathing at anyone bring it here. But again LEAVE MY MOTHER OFF YOUR BLOG AND OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
We know how Cate feels about one side. I wonder what Cate calls the other side of the story? Wow.
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