A New Mantra (or two)

I came across this saying the other day, and it spoke a lot to me... loudly. And it turns out that my little sister wrote it.

The days are going to pass.
Don't fear the future.
Stop mourning the past.
Live for every moment, as
The days are going to pass.

My sister is wiser than her years or her life learning make her seem. If only I had listened to her wisdom many, many moons ago, a lot of what has happened, a lot of the pain and hurt and tears, might very well not have happened. Everything happens for a reason... just sometimes I wish those reasons were clearer to me.

My sister-in-law also has a saying that I am going to take as a mantra of my own.

Repeat: Myself... Everyday.

I need to pay a little more attention to that one, too.

Get Off The D@$n Phone!

A few nights ago we went to the Family Fun Night at our oldest's elementary school. It was all about family fitness. Kids were running around, doing jumping jacks, Tae Kwon Do, Zumba dancing. It really was a lot of fun.

My husband and I were jumping and dancing along with the kids. But all along the gym walls stood parents, mostly dads, texting away on their cell phones or iPods. As their kids had fun, they couldn't put those things down. And I thought, "How sad. For these kids."

Don't get me wrong... I'd love to have a better phone or an iPod right about now. What better way to pass time while waiting for gymnastics to end, or for your turn to come up at the dentist while you wait, again, for him to poke around at a tooth you've recently had removed? But I digress.

We had a wonderful time playing with our kids the other night. That's what those nights are supposed to be about. So, please, just put the phone down. Facebook will wait, but the little girl shaking her booty with you won't wait much longer.

Burn, baby, burn...

For the last 7 weeks I've been carrying a photo in my wallet. Why, I am not really sure. Maybe hoping? Maybe confused? Maybe hurting? I don't think I'll really ever know.

I've not been given a chance for closure with the person in that photograph. That person has run from me and the situation that was caused like the coward I refused to see that he really was. Now I know better. Still, since I can't yell, scream or hit, I need closure.

I took that photo into my kitchen. I got the lighter. And lit him on fire. It took a few times, much to my frustration. But it was nice to watch that little photo shrivel up and burn, the remnants turning black. And now in the garbage.

Where he belongs.

Angels

Lots of people will say they believe in or they have guardian angels. I know that I do.

Nine years ago, when we started out to have a family, little did we know how hard it would be. Oh, getting pregnant was the easy (and fun) part. It was the staying pregnant part that was hard. While 2002 was the hardest year that I could ever imagine, I wouldn't want it to have happened any other way. Those three little angels knew that I needed my girls, and my girls needed me, more than I needed them. What wonderfully unselfish things for those little angels to do for me. I can't wait to see them one day and thank them.

It's my fourth angel that is hardest for me to heal from. He or she was given to me when least expected, not prepared for. And that baby was given up for someone I thought I loved, for someone I thought loved me. I can't believe that this is now part of my life. It may take 50 years for me to understand the reasons why. I can only hope that one day I can see that child, and ask them to forgive me. To forgive us.

Mommy loves you.

Loss

Last night, I went to a memorial service for a friend's son. He was 27 when he passed away last weekend. I heard about his death at the memorial service for another friend's wife.

There has been a lot of loss in my life lately. Loss of friends, loss of love, loss of respect, loss of self, and loss of my own child. It's becoming rather hard to deal with.

Before the service, I spent some time cuddling on the sofa with my oldest. For some reason, yesterday she looked even older than her long 6 and 1/2 years that she has grown. I felt so scared, wondering how I can help her to grow up and keep her sheltered from all the things that have led to loss in these last few months.

The best I could come up with was to hug her. Just to keep hugging her.