Painted Lady

I like to call my house a Victorian, though it might be a little small and a bit too plain to have that determination. But it sounds nice to say it.

My husband and I have spent some time the last several weeks painting our Victorian lady. Not the outside... Unfortunately, back in the 1970's some inspiring person decided to clad over the paintable siding with vinyl. So our Victorian sits with a not so Victorian color, and there is not much we can do about that until our budget allows, if it ever does.

We've been painting inside our lady. Seven years of a changing, growing family living in it left shabby remnants on the walls, and it was time to make it better. We've painted in the evenings, after our children have gone to sleep (or at least lead us to believe that they have).

Some nights we paint together, near each other. Some nights we are in different rooms. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we cry. Our talks have focused on the 17 years we've been together, where we have been, where we are going. We've talked about our children. We've reminisced. We've talked about changes, good and bad, mostly the inspiration for the changes we are making in our home. Rooms have been painted completely different colors. Furniture has been moved around, rooms rearranged. It's had the effect of our lady being an entirely different being from time to time, something that is proving good for us.

Change is good.

Five Truths of a Journey

I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. Truths about myself that I never fully realized, but needed to.

1. I spent too much time focusing on new friends, and forgot about true friends. Thankfully, those true friends have stuck around to help me realize the error of my ways. And are continuing to stay by my side.

2. I am too trusting. I always assume that others have my best interests at heart. Afterall, that is where I have theirs.

3. I will no longer allow myself to be used for other's selfish gain, or selfish game. I was violently used and abused by people in order for them to get what they wanted, and then thrown very quickly under the bus, still used, regardless of how it left me in the end. No more being a doormat. It is time to stand up for myself.

4. No one is better than any one else in this world. It is easier to take someone else down than to lift yourself up. It is easier to follow lies than to listen to truth. Anyone who projects the air that he or she is better than someone else is recognizing the fact that there are truths in their life that they refuse to acknowledge.

5. Reminders of hurt follow a person everywhere. It all depends on how you let yourself live with them. I traveled 400 miles to bury and destroy parts of myself, only to turn around and come face to face with a reminder of what left me feeling so broken. I could drop to the ground and cry, or wipe my tears and put on a happy face. I chose the latter.

Unfortunately, realizing some of these truths mean I am changing the person that I am, the person that I used to be. But, maybe that is for the better. Even people who can be very bad to you can help you to be a better person in the end, and send your life in the right direction.

Friendship

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately. No surprise, given what's been going on in my little world.

The dictionary defines friendship, among other things as:

"Good will, warm, comforting."

And, true friendship is just that.

Three times in as many weeks my family and I have had occasion to spend time with old friends. Friends from college, a couple down the street, and the family across the street. Each time our evenings together were relaxing, rewarding, effortless. My husband and I spent some time talking yesterday about how enjoyable those times were. How little work was required of us to spend time with them, and how lifted we felt when it came time to part.

It brought to mind some friendships that didn't and don't leave us feeling as fulfilled. Friendship with others should not leave you hurting, in any way. It shouldn't leave you second guessing your choice in life partner, the way you chose to decorate your home, the way you raise your children. It shouldn't leave your children feeling pitted against others in a race of "who comes first," for inevitably there is a child whose feelings become indelibly crushed. You shouldn't have to prepare yourself to spend time with people, and prepare yourself for "fixing" when you have parted.

I've realized that some friendships aren't friendships at all, but perhaps just simple ways to pass some time. Some of the relationships that I've had with people don't fall under that definition above. They've simply left me feeling empty, worthless, hurt. Why did I think to call those friendships?

So I could fully appreciate the many true friendships that I have been given, and that continue to be given and grow. The help, the unconditional love that a true friend shows at all times. The lifting up when you are down, and the pushing along when you can't make yourself go. And those far out number any friendships that I may have lost.

PTO Dad

Yesterday was the usual monthly PTO meeting at school. My littlest and I went, juice in hand, though we actually arrived on time for once. (!) My husband was home and offered to take kid #2 to school, which I jumped at the chance for. I mentioned to him about the meeting, but he declined the invitation, as he was worried he'd be late for the appointment that he took the day off work for.

So imagine my surprise when at 9:15 he walked into the meeting! And my pride. And my happiness. Such a simple gesture on his part made a very large statement to me how he recognizes the things that are important to me. How he encourages me to enjoy them, and how he wants to help me in them, as well. (After all, we have shared many a romantic evening counting and sorting those aforementioned box-tops and labels!)

Other PTO moms made obvious smiles of approval towards him and me, noticing the effort he made on my behalf as well. He wasn't able to stay for the whole meeting, but he was there. And that's all that matters.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Yesterday we worked a bit in the yard, as it was a beautiful spring day. Weeding, moving plants around, tending to whatever survived the winter. Planting fruits special to my children in their own special pots, with the children's help. It made me so happy.

And I realized something. I have never been more excited to work in my garden. Pulling the weeds was cathardic, removing all the bad things from the little plots of dirt, and planning replacing them with only good. Determining which flowers to plant where. Dividing and splitting, planting. And for once, I didn't have my trusty gardener's gloves. Didn't even take a second's worth of time to get them. Didn't even change out of our Sunday church clothes! Just got right into the dirt with our hands, and our whole selves.

I wonder if it is the desire for nurturing something missing. Probably. But maybe it is also the desire to nurture something that is healing, growing, blossoming in ways one only dreamed that it could. Most likely.

Definitely.

Easter

The coo of a dove
in the morning.
Mourning.

The silence before the dawn...
The calm of the evening...
Echoing, reaching,
Hopeful.

Man vs. Woman

I was told when a woman has an indiscretion, she has a lot of work to do to make it right. And even then, it's not truly better. There are always questions, moments of distrust, wondering, hurts. It continues, far beyond the time when the indiscretion ends. She is the one who loses the most... friends, acquaintances, freedom, respect. If forgiveness is there, it is far on the horizon.

But a man... his work is far less daunting. He doesn't have as much to lose, doesn't have as much work to do to earn his freedom and forgiveness from all those around him. He is given a much easier ride. Almost saying that such an indiscretion was expected of him, and such an indiscretion might just very well be expected again.

For that matter, did the "again" just finish? Maybe the "agains" just continue to happen for a man, and that is just the track record? For a woman, there will not be a track record. She works hard for it to be put in the past. But a man, he is just given it.