My middle child drew a picture the other day. It is now hanging on the wall next to my and my husband's bed. It's one of those pictures that I will be keeping in a little box for years and years after I finally have the strength to take it down off the wall.
It's not a very big picture. Nor is it very detailed or involved. She simply drew a stick-figure picture of our family. A mommy, complete with long hair and a skirt. Three littler versions of mommy, also with skirts and varying lengths of hair. And a daddy, no skirt, though she did give him hair, more than her currently has now! Just like that. Mommy and Daddy, with three little girls in between.
She wrote our names at the top of the paper, too. Mommy, Daddy, and each of their names in her perfect little 4 year old handwriting. Complete with the "c" in her name written backwards, as she always does.
I wish I could carry that picture with me everywhere I go. It says everything I need it to say, have been needing things to say for months.. years! How could I have been so blind as to miss it?
Tuesday, March 30
Sunday, March 28
Journey
I am starting a journey of healing tomorrow. Spending some time with myself to mourn and grieve for some things and people I have lost, some hurts I still have to overcome. I don't know what answers I will get from the questions that I will ask myself, and whatever those answers may be scare me. I do know that I am resigning myself to the fact that I won't receive apologies for the wrongs done to me, but I am still not quite sure I can accept that fact, or if I ever will be.
I do know that I am grateful for the support and love that my husband, family and friends are giving me along the way.
Namaste.
I do know that I am grateful for the support and love that my husband, family and friends are giving me along the way.
Namaste.
Wednesday, March 24
Just Another Day at the Park
Today after school, which was a shortened day anyway, due to parent-teacher conferences, my kids and I had a slew of little piddly errands to run: bank, church, Girl Scout cookie delivery, town-sponsored Easter contest submission forms, turning in said Girl Scout cookie monies). The last errand ended us at the new park in town. So being the good mom that I try to be and think I might achieve every now and then, we got out of the new car to play.
And the kids had a blast, despite the intense wind we are having today. The weather is beautiful and sunny, perfect for the park. There were friends there that we haven't seen in weeks...months! It was a nice end to our errands.
Until, of course, the littlest started getting tired. And the oldest got blisters on her hands from the monkeybars. And the middle one bonked her head on a mountain climbing wall. And then the oldest fell and hit her head. Sounds like it's time to leave.
Sounds... yeah... let's call them "sounds." The whiny, screechy cry of a kid hurt from the playground, from whatever wrong wronged them at that time. I corralled my children into a group and herded them to the car, sounds emitting from each of them.
Yeah... just another day at the park.
And the kids had a blast, despite the intense wind we are having today. The weather is beautiful and sunny, perfect for the park. There were friends there that we haven't seen in weeks...months! It was a nice end to our errands.
Until, of course, the littlest started getting tired. And the oldest got blisters on her hands from the monkeybars. And the middle one bonked her head on a mountain climbing wall. And then the oldest fell and hit her head. Sounds like it's time to leave.
Sounds... yeah... let's call them "sounds." The whiny, screechy cry of a kid hurt from the playground, from whatever wrong wronged them at that time. I corralled my children into a group and herded them to the car, sounds emitting from each of them.
Yeah... just another day at the park.
Tuesday, March 16
Brothers & Sisters?
For the past two years I have been a member of a local community of faith. The denomination of that faith is not important. Rather, it is the responses from it that are.
For the last 2 and a half months, my husband and I have been trying to put our marriage and family back together. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I made big mistakes. Yes, I fully admit them. (And am embarrassed by them. And wish they could be retracted.) A lot of hurts, physical, emotional and psychological have come from those mistakes. Hurts that take a very big toll on a person, and hurts that will take a very long time to heal.
When it became apparent that my husband and I were dealing with a trauma to our marriage, people in and outside of our church offered support. Counseling. A shoulder to cry on. Friendship. But when it became apparent what some of those hurts to our marriage were and are, those offers of support dwindled, and some were retracted.
Still, some remained vitally active, and actually grew the amounts of support they offered to us. I've recently tallied those avenues of support, and was somewhat surprised at what I found.
Nearly 75% of the friends and family who have continued to come forward offering us that support claim no affiliation to a denomination of faith. They are friends from "outside" our church. Interestingly, they are the ones who see a hurt, and offer the most help.
This brings to mind a scripture that I have always held dear, and have always ascribed to:
It's a shame that from the one place you truly expect that support to be the least confidence one can have in it. Isn't there something about those being without sin?
For the last 2 and a half months, my husband and I have been trying to put our marriage and family back together. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I made big mistakes. Yes, I fully admit them. (And am embarrassed by them. And wish they could be retracted.) A lot of hurts, physical, emotional and psychological have come from those mistakes. Hurts that take a very big toll on a person, and hurts that will take a very long time to heal.
When it became apparent that my husband and I were dealing with a trauma to our marriage, people in and outside of our church offered support. Counseling. A shoulder to cry on. Friendship. But when it became apparent what some of those hurts to our marriage were and are, those offers of support dwindled, and some were retracted.
Still, some remained vitally active, and actually grew the amounts of support they offered to us. I've recently tallied those avenues of support, and was somewhat surprised at what I found.
Nearly 75% of the friends and family who have continued to come forward offering us that support claim no affiliation to a denomination of faith. They are friends from "outside" our church. Interestingly, they are the ones who see a hurt, and offer the most help.
This brings to mind a scripture that I have always held dear, and have always ascribed to:
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."
Proverbs 17:17
It's a shame that from the one place you truly expect that support to be the least confidence one can have in it. Isn't there something about those being without sin?
"...He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone..."
John 8:7
Wednesday, March 10
Outside
Sunny day, warm breeze
Churchbells from town
Sounds of nature
Walking, laughter, children, parents
Woodpecker
Basking in the warmth
of the Sunlight
Provided from above
Serenity
is mine.
Churchbells from town
Sounds of nature
Walking, laughter, children, parents
Woodpecker
Basking in the warmth
of the Sunlight
Provided from above
Serenity
is mine.
Six Months
Today is a turning point. A point of not looking back.
Six months ago today, I gave up control of my life. Rather, I let something take control over me. I'm not sure what it was or why, and probably never will be. But I do know the costs. Some good, and some bad, but definitely some costs.
I'm sure I will have days where something will stir a memory, someone will be seen, a name will be mentioned, a birthday will pass. I will have to fight hard on these days not to lose myself to the places I've already been and have be working so hard to come back from.
But I have a good circle to draw from.
~Barbara Kingsolver
Six months ago today, I gave up control of my life. Rather, I let something take control over me. I'm not sure what it was or why, and probably never will be. But I do know the costs. Some good, and some bad, but definitely some costs.
I'm sure I will have days where something will stir a memory, someone will be seen, a name will be mentioned, a birthday will pass. I will have to fight hard on these days not to lose myself to the places I've already been and have be working so hard to come back from.
But I have a good circle to draw from.
The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.
~Barbara Kingsolver
Tuesday, March 9
Play-Doh Prisoner
My littlest one is sick today, which means the plans for the day have gone out the window, and we're hanging out at home. So much for today's PTO meeting!
Don't you wish, though, that you could get away with being as cranky and bossy as a sick three year old? (Some might say I do, but that's a conversation for a different post, I guess.) So far this morning I have played with Play-doh, painted with watercolors, made a craft (and I hate crafts), cut paper, glued, stickered, and painted again - twice more - gotten yogurt and drinks countless times. And there is only 1 child at home. Tylenol and Motrin aren't nipping this thing, either.
Did I mention that I have not yet had my cup of coffee or even had the chance to take a shower? Come to think of it, I don't think I have even gone to the bathroom yet today!
I love kids when they are sick. Uh, oh... Now we're playing Wii...
Don't you wish, though, that you could get away with being as cranky and bossy as a sick three year old? (Some might say I do, but that's a conversation for a different post, I guess.) So far this morning I have played with Play-doh, painted with watercolors, made a craft (and I hate crafts), cut paper, glued, stickered, and painted again - twice more - gotten yogurt and drinks countless times. And there is only 1 child at home. Tylenol and Motrin aren't nipping this thing, either.
Did I mention that I have not yet had my cup of coffee or even had the chance to take a shower? Come to think of it, I don't think I have even gone to the bathroom yet today!
I love kids when they are sick. Uh, oh... Now we're playing Wii...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)