Warrior

I stepped outside of my comfort zone yesterday, pushing myself to what I thought maybe I just couldn't do. This summer, something inside my 4 week postpartum self said that I would have no problem training and running this with a 10 week old baby. A few people thought I was crazy, and maybe so (it's been written on the internet that I am, it must be true). Eventually, even I thought I was crazy, as training with a nursing infant proved to me a little harder than I thought.

Turns out, though, I could do it with ease. A 5K obstacle course through muck and mud. Sure, my time wasn't the best, but it wasn't about that. Our small group of three stayed together, helping each other and supporting along the way (a familiar refrain, no?). And all in all, we finished, climbing out of the mud, victory.

"I am the warrier
And heart to heart you'll win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior."
-Patty Smyth

The Next Step

Lately, I've been a little too busy with a few things that I have taken on. I feel a little over my head, overwhelmed by the calendar and responsibilities around some of those things written on there, especially in this time of year when the ghosts and demons I have in my heart start to haunt me a little more.

Some events are mundane, just getting used to a new school year. But by far the biggest is perhaps the most important. I'm paying something forward. The timeline of all this is not my own, but as I have so clearly and evidently learned, its not by my timing the things that life brings. Everything happens for a reason.

If it weren't for the friends in my MOPS group, I honestly don't know where my life would be right now. They stepped in and held up when others stepped away and pushed down.

And now, with the help of true friends and my community of faith, I pay it forward by offering to other mothers, friends and those I do not know, this same opportunity to be part of a group where judgment, gossip and disdain are left at the door, and faith and friendship can help to repair and rebuild.

And I keep going back to this... everything happens for a reason.

Mesmerized

There are days that, when I wake up, I have a list of things I want to accomplish that is, in all reality, just plain too long. I'm an overachiever, at least in theory.

My problem is my distractions during the day. Can I call them distractions? That just doesn't seem fair.

My babies mesmerize me. I get drawn in to watching them, what they do, how they move, and lose track of all other things I want to do. I am in awe of them. It's almost as though I can't get enough of taking them in. Like a drug. Maybe it's because I'm truly and painfully aware of what their being here represents to me now.

I'm sure my husband tires of coming home and finding yet more papers added to my pile to sort through, a rug that still needs to be vacuumed, and baskets of laundry still waiting to be folded. I hope deep down that he understands how wonderfully, amazingly distracting his little ones can be to me! Is it selfish of me to spend so much time sitting with them, watching them move and play, just taking them in? I think maybe I didn't do that enough with my older children. So I do it now. Better late than never.

Peace Explained

Now I understand it. Why I can feel at peace with things that have happened, with memories and hurts, with friends who have gone awry and betrayed, with why I can forgive horrible words, harassing comments, hurtful letters, but still have moments of complete and sheer hurt and pain.

Because I understand what it all was for.

Just Keep Walking

Every where you go, you walk past people you don't know. Without even blinking an eye. And why should you? I mean, they're simply not a part of your life. It makes no difference in the day.

It amazes us the numbers of people who still approach us, even though it's been made obvious that lives no longer travel the same paths. Perhaps if different choices had been made, these people would still be part of our lives. But they weren't made, and they're not. What we once thought we knew, we obviously did not. So we just keep walking past.

While we may have forgiven them and the pain caused, gossip taken part in, lack of confidence showed, we simply cannot afford to have them in our lives. One would think that they would be embarrassed by their actions, and unable to look us in the eye. Really, we're no different than strangers. One would think they would just keep walking. But they don't.

So we just keep walking.

For You

This is for some of you... you know who you are...

And thank you for what you brought to me, this blessed life I have now. It wouldn't have happened if not for what you took, stole, broke, showed and gave.

Stupid Things People Say

"Well, you've finally got your boy!"

"So, are you done now?"

If we had a dollar for all the times we've heard that in the last two and a half weeks....  People seem to think that we were hellbent on having a boy, that could be the only reason why we would have five children.

I'm sorry... is there something wrong with our girls? Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Now we add the above comments to the list of stupid things people have said to us since late last year.

You don't get what you want in this world, you get what you need.

If we got what we wanted we'd only have two kids, a vacation home on Mykonos Island in Greece, we would have won the bid on the lake house we wanted to move to two years ago, and we wouldn't have had all the "experiences" of the past three years that helped us to question friendships, learn about each other, fix ourselves and grow.

We got what we needed.

And that included five children.

And you never know. We might just get a little brother for our son.  (wink)