Wish Upon a Star

I meant to post about this a few weeks ago, but life has gotten in the way of life, and I'm just now getting the chance.

When I was younger, I remember watching the Perseids meteor shower with my father. Sometimes we were home, other times on vacation. I remember when I was 12 my father waking me up in the pre-dawn hours to sit pool and oceanside in Cape May, New Jersey, and watch the tremendous lightshow display. That is one of my favorite memories that I will always carry with me.

Fastforward to adulthood. Some years I have watched, others I have not. A few years ago, I watched the light show with my father and youngest brother from the slide on my backyard swingset. I was, of course, pregnant, though I do not remember with whom!

The shower this year peaked on August 13, and 2:00 am was the best time to see it. As I watched the news that night, I promised myself that, if I were awake at that time, I would go outside to watch. Chances were I would be, as someone still enjoys a few rounds with mommy every night!

The baby woke at 1:30 to nurse, and I found myself back in my room at 1:58 am. I did not break my promise to myself. I slipped on my robe, and slipped out the door.

The air was cool, the night sky bright. The full moon made it hard to discern the meteors shooting across the sky. Within a few moments I saw five. Satisfied, I returned to my bed.

I admit that though I was quiet, I did try to rouse my sleeping husband. More so in the last few years than ever before I firmly believe that everything has it's reason for being part of our lives. We were presented with this opportunity...we should take it.

So we wrapped ourselves in our big blue blanket and snuggled in the corner of our deck. We each saw several meteors, and the last one we each saw together. Together, we returned to our home.

Don't Wake the Baby!

One of the pieces of advice I got when we started our family was to never wake a sleeping baby. Even when doctors told me to wake my girls so they got the proper feedings in, I never did. It just didn't seem to make sense. You finally get your little one to go to sleep, why in the world would you chance anything good and wake that child up? Sure, some days I was extremely uncomfortable for a time, as my children drink "mommy milk." Small price to pay in exchange for a happy little bundle.

Fast forward eight years.

Yesterday, I had to wake up my sleeping little bundle. It happens more often than I think I really want to admit.

Naptimes and the schedule for a family of 6 very often don't mix very well. I feel badly that my littlest bundle of hope and baby babble is a carseat napper most of the time. Luckily, we have been blessed with perhaps the most wonderful baby on the planet, right from the beginning with her 2 hour labor.

As my other girls put on shoes and got ready for yet another drive across town for this or that, I tiptoed into the baby's room to rouse her from her nap, once again cut a little too short. She was sleeping on her tummy, her little tooschie pushed up into the air, her left cheek smooshed and puffy against the mattress of her crib. I laid my head down next to the mattress to watch her sleep for a minute, taking in all the baby smells in her room. The diapers. Wipes. The scent of her sheets washed in a baby detergent. The warmth of her sleeping breath.

Gently I stroked her fuzzy head, patted her back. She made a small little cry and I picked her up, hugging her close to me, and carried her downstairs. As I put her into her carseat, she caught sight of all her big sisters, and gave us all one of her famous toothy smiles. Her legs started kicking in her carseat, smiling, ready for another trip in the van!

8 Years

I've spent today celebrating. Driving. Eating. Buying. Treating. Eight years of my baby girl, and her amazing smile. And her kindness, selfless cheerleading for her sisters and friends. Her silly dancing and struggles with learning.

Yesterday, we moved her into her own room. Freshly painted in "teenager colors." She is excited. In the matter of one minute, she grew. Suddenly, I am finally excited to see her growing up, being a big kid. Don't get me wrong, I miss her baby-ness. But I am so looking forward to what she is going to become.

What a difference a day can make.

I Don't Need Credit

"I give you a lot of credit."

I hear that a lot. When I am out and about running errands, shopping, park-playing, library-ing or basically doing anything with my children. The sight of so many little blonde heads altogether draws a lot of eyes.

Just today, we went to Wal-mart. We passed a woman as we were walking in, and I saw her cursory glance take in all the little bodies (plus an extra that I had picked up for the day, just for good measure), and she shook her head. Another couple stopped to count and then asked, "Five girls?" "This one isn't mine," I replied. (Her dark hair and brown eyes should have given her away! But often my extra head for the day could easily qualify as one of my own.)

The thing is, I don't need credit. It's not a big deal to me to take a gaggle of children lots of places. It simply means they have more fun. Sure, they distract me, and I forget things on my list, or get talked into buying a new brand of cereal. That's really not so bad in the scheme of things.

I don't need credit. I'm just being "Mom."

I Looked Evil in the Eye

On a worn, grassy path through a park meadow in town, I looked evil in the eye. I had known I would be seeing him. Every day as I passed him I made sure to look at the ground, the trees, the sky, my children. Anything to avoid him. But then I thought to myself, isn't that just the same thing as avoiding the car in the parking lot?

So I looked him in the eye. And he smiled at me. And said hello.

How dare he? This person who so literally, intentionally, selfishly and cowardly pursued a change in so many people's lives?

My gaze did not waver. I put forth everything I had to tell him. He may have changed my life, but to the dismay of many he did not destroy it. So many, many things have been made better.

I looked evil in the eye. He looked away first.

A "Birthday"

Today's date does not escape me. You could be one today. The year of "what-ifs" and milestones don't go unnoticed.

I think of you daily, though I must admit that I do not cry anymore. I guess time really does lessen the pain now and then.

I still feel the pressure of the hand that held mine on the day we sent you away. But more so I can feel the strength of the arms that held me up when I finally fell under the weight and the pain of the realization that you were gone.

As I work so hard towards forgiving others, I hope you can forgive me, and know that you will always be remembered.

Summer Breeze

Sand in between
Fingers and toes
Splashing water, rivers
in the sand.

Sand covers bottoms
Hair streaked with sun
A shout, a laugh, a cry
Too much beach?

A grain of sand in
a bite of sandwich,
a piece of
watermelon.

A breeze in the air
to topple umbrellas,
flutter the towels
carries with it

A memory.
The scent of charcoal
lighted with a
strike...

A match and lighter
fluid.
Comfort in the memory
Comfort in the breeze.