Grace and the Egret

A Heron and Egret totem teaches balance;
the ability to progress and evolve --
to walk into deeper waters without fear.

I wrote a note the other day. It was very short. It said,

"I am sorry. I forgive you."

While I was shopping for bottled water in preparation of the hurricane that hit the East Coast last weekend, I happened upon a person from my past in the parking lot of a grocery store in town.

Since the day in the meadow this past July I decided that I was going to look everyone involved in that sad chapter of my life in the eye. They very nearly broke me. Let them look away and run: I'm done. So, I looked her in the eye.

I did not say anything, but will always remember the words that were shouted at me in the darkened light. I will always remember the shrill, cackling laugh that followed me across the parking lot and into the store. It was rather frightening.

The store had no water, and shortly thereafter I walked out. The car was still there, but she was not. I got into my van and realized I was shaking. I sat for a few minutes until I calmed down. I began to write a note in response, encouraging blame to be placed not on me, but where blame is due.

The song on the radio caught my attention. It was talking about "grace." I stopped and listened. I began to write a note of apology and forgiveness. Before I could finish, she appeared and got into her car, and proceeded to drive the parking lots, nearly each row, before leaving altogether.

Shaken, I drove home.

Thursday, while shopping with my children, I saw someone else from my past in the very same store I was in a week earlier. I hesitated for a second, and simply walked around him, finishing my shopping. When I got to the parking lot, a silver van was parked next to my rental (my van was in the shop, and my rental was white with Florida plates). I took it as a sign, and wrote a note, which I left on the windshield.

"I am sorry.

I forgive you.

-Amy"

You know that I have been battling with forgiveness for quite sometime. I figured that taking a leap would push me, and get me on that road to where I can forgive myself.

From there, I took my children to the park. When we got out of our van, I noticed a white egret sitting on the shore of the river across the street. His neck was stretched very long and graceful.

I did not see the bird as we left the park, but I can tell you that from the moment I left the note, I have had a certain peace that I have not felt in a long while. I am not sure how long it will last, if it is even true, but you also know that I believe everything happens for a reason, and everything has meaning.

This is where the healing begins.