Nothing Left to Say

I saw an old friend today, in the main office of my littlest's new school. It's not a school we are at by choice, but rather by no choice. If we'd had our wish, nothing would have changed.

I didn't know this old friend was there when I entered the office. It was only during my brief conversation with office staff that I was aware of her behind me. I waited for her to say something. I didn't say a word.

I realized that I didn't have to. There is nothing left to say. There are 20 years of history, and nothing left to say. She made a choice, based on one part of a conversation that I was never allowed to have. It's a loss we both feel, my husband and I; part sadness, part melancholy, part pity, part relief.

She was still there when I left, no words shared. In another lifetime, a lifetime was shared. But now. Now there is nothing left to say.

Real Love

Real love
is gritty.
It sweats and waits,
it causes you to hold
your
tongue when
you
want
to scream in anger
and it causes many men
to accomplish extraordinary feats.

-Meg Meeker

Scars

Some scars
Don't always heal.
Time doesn't heal all wounds.

Sometimes they're there,
Under the surface, and you think
They're gone.

But something will
Rip open wide again,
Raw, painful.

You wake up at night,
Clawing, grasping
For air.

Haunting, overtaking
When you least expect.
You are not you.

Surrender.

Some scars
Don't always heal.

Grasshopper

Lessons, grasshopper ....

What do you have to teach us, that you have been here all day waiting?

I Miss My Friend

It has been five years since I last talked to, hugged and said good-bye to a beautiful friend. It takes my breath away that it's been that long since I've heard her voice on the phone. My mind can still recall her warm, comforting tone. Her unconditional love, constant faith and support. I miss my friend.

The best summer of my life was eight years ago, when we spent the summer at the park with our 6 littles in total, watching children run and play, nursing our babies under the shade of a big tree. Nothing was scary, nothing hurt. I miss my friend.

Often in the last few months I've seen cardinals on my daily travels, out my window at home. Folklore tells us that a red cardinal is the spirit of someone who has passed on visiting you from the other side of the veil. Though there are many whom these birds can represent, I so hope these birds I see are Kristie. I miss my friend.

Broken Arrow

Too much talking leads to
Unbroken silence.
Broken silence?

You can hear as well as you listen.
You can listen as well as you hear.

Silence is louder than words.
All it takes is a little bit of effort.
Only if it's worth it.

Along Came a Spider

Spiders have been plentiful in this little world of mine lately. Yes, it's because it's finally spring and the winter is finally, finally, finally finished (it's 89.5 degrees as I type).

Long ago I looked up the meaning of a spider's being in one's world:

A spider totem teaches you balance --between past and future, physical and spirit, male and female. She is strength and gentleness combined. She awakens creative sensibilities and reminds you that the past is always interwoven with the future. Tarantulas (and all spiders) are the keepers of the primordial alphabet and can teach you how to write creatively. Her body is shaped like the number 8 and she has 8 legs, which is symbol of infinite possibilities of creation. Her 8 legs represent the 4 winds of change and the four directions of the medicine wheel. Spider's message is that you are an infinite being who will continue to weave patterns of life and living throughout time. Do not fail to see the eternal plan of creation. Those who weave magic with the written word usually have this totem.

The last line is not lost on me, and is always the one I recall when one crawls near.

It's not for lack of writing that I haven't. It's not for lack of stories. It's not for lack of words. It's simply a problem of supply and demand. Limited supply of time or energy, and high demand for it.

Perhaps I need to take more cue from these little creatures walking into my world more and more these last few weeks as the snow finally stops flittering. Each one tells me to keep a notebook near to jot down a thought or line as it enters in, instead of thinking to myself, "I must remember that!" and then promptly forgetting. Whispering, "talk to text a new note!" Don't simply let them come and do nothing with them.

Perhaps...